This message is intended to be sent to my mother. I miss her more than any other person in the world. She is my only family member that I have ever known and she is always there by my side no matter what happens. Taking care of me, working for the smallest scrape of money to get dinner on the table and being such an amazing role model were more than any child could ask for. If I fell, she helped me up. If I cried, she would wipe away my tears. If I needed her, she would already be by my side.
When I saw this silver parachute come down, I thought I was imagining it. Could I really be getting something from my sponsors? Was it food, water, a weapon, something to help me survive longer? When I unwrapped the silky parachute, I saw the small mechanical device and was entirely confused. Was that a camera? I picked it up and held it in the palm of my hand, looking at its smooth metal and silver buttons. I had never used such a delicate piece of technology before. Being poor kept me from looking at one of these devices at the small shop in town, let alone use one. Then I became angry, realizing that this was pointless. I had no idea what a little video camera would do to keep me alive. After some pacing, frustration and deep thought, realization burst into my head. It turned out that this gift actually had more potential than what I originally thought. I could send someone a message, a message that could be seen and heard by anyone I want. That’s when a grin spread across my face and I knew then that I couldn’t have gotten a better gift. After figuring out how to use this device, I immediately started to record a message that would be sent to a whole different world, back to harsh reality and my innocent mother.
I liked the description in your post, like when saying the silky parachute. I thought that your voki was also very unique. All in all, I thought your post was really sweet and heartfelt, with a few punctuation errors that could’ve been fixed with an easy proofread.
Your post was very emotional, and had very good descriptions. My only wish is that you had a stronger attention getter. I really loved this sentence: ” I had never used such a delicate piece of technology before. Being poor kept me from looking at one of these devices at the small shop in town, let alone use one. ” . It was nice to focus on the actual camera for a little bit, then focus in on the message.
I love your examples of why you miss your mother. For example: Taking care of me, working for the smallest scrape of money to get dinner on the table and being such an amazing role model were more than any child could ask for. If I fell, she helped me up. If I cried, she would wipe away my tears. If I needed her, she would already be by my side. The only thing I would change is the first sentence from this excerpt could be connected with “and” after the comma.
I also think you announced in your attention getter. Instead of saying,”This message is intended to be sent to my mother”, you could maybe describe your mother perhaps like,” I know I will send my message to the most important person in my life: my mother”.
Besides that, I liked when you described your character realizing the package could be a good delivery: After some pacing, frustration and deep thought, realization burst into my head. It turned out that this gift actually had more potential than what I originally thought. I could send someone a message, a message that could be seen and heard by anyone I want. Lastly, I think it could enhance your writing if you added your thoughts about how this will help you in the games.