A daunting shiver runs through my spine as I stand shakily at the very back edge of the district eleven over-stuffed plaza, waiting for the dreadful, yearly reaping to start. Young, scared eyes are frantically looking around, trying to find the comforting gaze of their loved ones for what may be the last time. Everybody is shifting nervously around as if we are all standing on uneven, moving land. Every year, the same woman, with the name of Harper Hayes, goes to every district to announce two names of opposite genders to attend the murderous Hunger Games. The people owning those names get a look of shock, fear and dread written all over their faces, so easily displayed that they don’t even try to hide it. This year, Harper looks around the crowd with a long, slow 180 degree gaze before putting her delicate hand in the jar full of so many innocent names and slowly pulls out one small, folded, two by two slip of parchment. The silence in the air was like someone turned the humidity up to a thousand percent, chocking us all into a dreadful silence. The one name that I thought would never have been called, not in the jar of so many names, got called out clean and crisp, slicing through the air.
“Juniper Stowe!”
My legs feel like jelly, the shock overwhelming me, as I try to stand up. The relieved faces that surround me give me sorrowful stares as I finally get my energy to shakily rise to my full height. My emotions are whirring inside of me like a hurricane, but they are all being hidden away as realization starts to hit me as I slowly sit back down with a feeling that no other person can understand.
You used a lot of figurative language! You had some really good lines, but some of them didn’t make sense. This sentence “My legs feel like jelly, the shock overwhelming me, as I try to stand up.” Didn’t flow well and was hard to read fluently. Next time, try to make the figurative language fit in and don’t over do it.
This was a very good piece. You included so much description and sensory details I could really feel you channeling your emotions through your words. I especially like this sentence; “My emotions are whirring inside of me like a hurricane, but they are all being hidden away as realization starts to hit me as I slowly sit back down with a feeling that no other person can understand.” If I could ask you to change one thing it would be that you explain what the setting was a little bit, to really give the reader a good description for visualization. Other than that, I really liked it and it was so well written, good job (:
This was a fantastic writing! I loved all of the amazing figurative language and very descriptive details that you used to show the reader what you were feeling. The line “A daunting shiver runs through my spine” which was a great way of having the reader in and making them want to know what is going to happen. I also really liked it when you described everyone else’s reactions. The only things you could do to fix this was maybe talk about your family members and there reactions and describe your surroundings to help the readers see the setting.